Funny Status Messages

   microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

   OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth.

   Please stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

   A New York plastic surgeon has announced that he is creating “vacation breasts,” which are implants that would last two to three weeks. That’s amazing, isn’t it? Who gets a three-week vacation?

   We know your from Michigan because You think alkaline batteries were named for a tiger outfielder.

   ANOTHER DAY has passed by and I still HAVEN’T USED a²+b²=c²

   To whom it may concern, If you are reading this, that means there’s not a thing you can do about it now.

   I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

   Today at the Buffet I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."

   Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.

   "I'm leaving Twitter" is the new "I'm moving to Canada."

   California has the highest rate of both Depression and Adultery. It's a sad state of affairs.

   The gateway to "make up sex" is arguing. Go start a good argument and then give in for the reward.

   I just heard a commercial on the radio that said your hair loss has to do with your jeans. I guess that's why I still have all my hair. Because I don't wear jeans.

   We live in a " paper straw wrapped in plastic" kind of world. It's all stupid

   "Enjoy the warm glow of family and friends this holiday season." ~ crematorium slogan.

   I accidentally took my cats meds this morning... Don't ask meow.

   Girlfriend asked me if I seen the dog bowl. I said no but that would be very interesting.

   Damn, Girl. Are you Black Friday? 'Cause I'm wondering what your deal is.

   Don't forget that today is "small business Saturday" so only subscribe to OnlyFans accounts in your town