Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   The 3 C's of life; Choice, Chance, Change. You must make the Choice to take the Chance if you want anything to Change.

   When you say your life is a joke I really feel sorry for you because it's not even a funny one.

   The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.

   If all the world's a stage, then where's the hook to yank off the idiots?

   If you were any smarter I could teach you to fetch.

   You know that little voice in your head that tells you "No?" Yeeeah, mine died a long time ago.

   If drunkness was a professional sport, I would probably be disqualified for steroids.

   I can't stand it when people won't speak a little louder when I'm trying to eavesdrop on them. You people are selfish.

   What is the appropriate gift to give your woman on your 5th year anniversary..... of the restraining order?

   Everyone is a Freak, it just takes the right person to bring out that side of you.

   There should be an eject button in cars for people who touch your perfectly-positioned vents.

   When your ex asks if you can still be friends right after a break up it's the same thing as having a kidnapper tell you to keep in touch.

   I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "just kidding."

   If you're purchasing a Dollar Store pregnancy test, I think we both know you can't afford a positive.

   I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars & trucks team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong brothers and sisters!

   If you've got nothing nice to say let's sit far away from each other and yell obscenities across the room just to p!ss people off.

   Other than insecurity, alcoholism, infidelity, and sheer stupidity most of you are pretty much perfect.

   When a woman says “What?” It's not because didn't hear you, she's just giving you a chance to change what you said!

   I hope I never get Alzheimer's... I hate the thought of other people thinking that I should be remembering something that I'm not sure I would want to remember in the first place.

   My best relationship advice: Make sure you're the crazy one.