Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? I mean EVERY TIME! It's freakish and it can't really be safe.

   If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck WHAT IS IT DOING HERE I'M TRYING TO SLEEP

   If you'd asked me to guess which groups would be really into wearing sunglasses, I would not have gotten 'blind people.'

   Five Secrets of Successful People: 1. Don't 2. Tell 3. Anyone 4. Your 5. Secrets

   If I'm ever in a coma, promise me you'll slip pizza into my IV.

   Welcome to passive aggressive training. None of you appear to be very bright... but I'm sure you'll do great!

   Do athletic people not know about Netflix?

   FACT: being a constant delight just comes naturally to me.

   The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.

   When I'm on my deathbed, I'm definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.

   I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

   Sarcasm needs its own font

   Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails? Me: it's brownies.

   Made it to that level of dad where I just called dibs on the TV that I bought in the house that I own with the cable I pay for.

   I don't have a FitBit. I'm pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don't need like bells and alarms and stuff.

   No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

   Made eye contact with a stranger today. Turns out strangers don't like it when you touch their eyeballs.

   If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.

   When I was little we didn't have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.

   I've never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.