Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   That feeling when your ex reappears as a single mother with a child, and you immediately start doing the math.

   Love means sharing your thoughts, your fears, your dreams, your hopes and your french fries.

   It's a shame that stupidity can't be converted into a usable energy source.

   The definition of being stupid: seeing the truth, knowing the truth, and choosing to still believe the lies... with a smile.

   I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.

   Nice guys let her finish first, twice.

   Today is only my second day as a stay-at-home dad but I'm already confused. Do I get the fake tan or boobs first? And what's a zumba class?

   The "don't talk to me about kids until you have a kid" people are extremely annoying. I don't think I need to produce another human being to know it's problematic to let a 4-year old treat me like his b!tch.

   When someone says “let's go get a cold one,” I always drive to the zoo because I know that's code for “steal a penguin.”

   If I were a gynecologist I would name my practice "All Up In Yo Business."

   I wish I had a job where I could frequently say, "If my calculations are correct..."

   If a super villain attacks my house whose only weakness is leftover soy sauce packets from the take-out place, he is so f'ked.

   Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? - I do, as long as you get me drunk or take me back to my childhood.

   I posted on your wall. No, not Facebook, look at the side of your house. :)

   After sending a risky text, a minute feels like an eternity.

   I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn't reach very far.

   I could never trust a psychic who hasn't won the lottery at least once.

   Make sure your goals are unattainable so you'll feel a little better about giving up later.

   If you're not using your grownup powers to occasionally do something your child-self would have found awesome, then what's the point?

   Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?