Funny Status Messages

   Her: do you have protection? MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes

   The secret to looking younger is telling people that you are older

   I have no clue what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk towards automatic doors, and if my face hits the glass I turn around and go home.

   The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

   I just dumped a pack of M&M’s into my mask and am slowly eating them like a horse

   my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

   I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

   On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

   Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

   If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

   On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

   Looking for a new spicy potato chip? -Hot Pringles in your area

   2020 love life: The washing machine has seen me naked more often than anyone else.

   I started wearing a mask before everyone started doing it, but then again I've always been a trendsetter like that.

   I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

   I've been all across this nation Traveled by train, plane, bus and car And I've never met one person that makes zzz sounds when they sleep

   The Dems want everyone to vote by mail but Pelosi just called Congress back to DC so they could vote...

   What if nobody was president and we all promised real hard to just be cool

   How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”

   Stay tuned for Cardi B's next big hit: "MIPWYTTSI"... (My Itchy Pu$$y Wants Your Tongue To Scratch It.)