eengrms Funny Status Messages

   It's cool how our pinky finger evolved into a cell phone stand...

   Men are problem solvers, women are problem creators...

   Every time one of my kids complains that the internet is slow, I feel like I'm not adequately preparing them for the real world...

   I knew the season was officially out of control when my dealer offered my pumpkin flavored crack...

   If Hell does exist, there are so many brilliant scientists in there it is probably air-conditioned by now...

   This regular old moon is stupid...

   What if oxygen is poisonous and it just takes 75-100 years to kill us...

   Tom Cruise is calling for boycott of McDonalds because there isn't enough pictures of L. Ron Hubbard on the McNugget box..... See how stupid it sounds when it's not your religion?

   Finally something positive about Charlie Sheen...

   What I wanted to do in 2015: drink water and eat healthy. What I actually did in 2015: drink margaritas and eat tacos.

   I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like "Damn, that name's way cooler..."

   I don't want an Amazon Echo because I don't need another thing in my house that talks back to me...

   I don't mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...

   My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can't help but believe my days around here are numbered...

   I'm afraid if Trump wins he'll leave us for a younger, prettier country...

   Selfie sticks are this generation's fanny packs...

   Some people seem to like Trump. Others like Hillary, or Bernie. Just be happy you live somewhere that you have a choice, just don't waste it...

   Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you...

   In the future, imagine how many Go-Pros will be found buried under snow in the mountains containing the last moments of people's lives...

   Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...