andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   just read that drug sniffing dogs get treats when they find drugs. we're just creating more addicts, you guys

   4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot to reduce their fractions

   Ugh. New Year's Eve is just around the corner and I STILL haven't picked out which gang sign I'm going to hold up in photos

   Call me crazy, but I really prefer the term mentally ill

   FYI: THIS IS THE FURTHEST IN HISTORY ANYONE'S EVER GONE!!!

   a pessimist sees the glass half empty. a possumist sees the glass as a giant possum. sometimes jokes don't make much sense.

   i do not like green eggs&ham I do not like them will.i.am woud you eat them in my trunk woud you eat them off my hump my hump my humps

   First date tip: to add an air of mystery, whisper "she suspects nothing" into your wristwatch

   red sky at morning, sailors take warning, sky rockets in flight, afternoon delight

   The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

   Screw you, space between my driver's seat and center console that's just the right size to accommodate every thing except my hand.

   How to lose an argument with a woman. 1) Argue

   Just noticed that the disclaimer at the beginning of Shark Tank says the Sharks are not really sharks, they are people.

   However lonely you feel, you're never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.

   I'm just a regular guy, I boil my spaghetti one noodle at a time.

   We need to start naming hurricanes after rappers. People might evacuate quicker if they know hurricane Ghostface Killah is coming.

   I have no time for stupid people But they sure do have time for me.

   Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

   My only stalker is Sallie Mae

   It's sad, 'cause even someone not particularly vain might think a song is about them, if enough details matched up.