StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   All my life I've wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.

   I don't do drugs. I just smoke weed.

   I forgot to buckle my 5 year old up in the car today, and while leaving the parking lot, this guy yells, "You're an irresponsible father!". I was like, "What the hell is that guy's problem? Stop the car son!"

   Apparently, "I had an interview with a better company" is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.

   When people yawn, do deaf people think they're screaming?

   My girlfriends yelling at me for being "controlling." Funny thing is I don't remember giving her permission to speak.

   No joke, if I win the lottery I'm buying a full tank of gas!

   See a bug outside: Hi Mr Bug! See a bug inside: Die b!tch! Die!

   Hey, I just met you and girl you look crazy. What brands your make up, Crayola maybe?

   Nice guys finish last because they make sure their woman cums first. ; )

   Before we had Facebook, we had actual friends.

   What a rip-off! I picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions. It turned out to be a book on chess.

   Three reasons to stand up: 1. To get the remote 2. To go to the bathroom 3. Because you're the real slim shady

   There is a US volleyball player named Destiny Hooker. Apparently her parents were wrong.

   Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.

   Women don't like being told what to do unless they're naked.

   I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.

   I was eating Oreos, and I was dunking one in milk and the cookie broke and sank to the bottom. So now I'm just sitting here, staring at the glass and wondering why bad things happen to good people.

   It has been brought to my attention that the stick figures on soccer mom vans are actually NOT pedestrian "kill" scores and are actually meant to represent family members. I will remove mine immediately to avoid any further confusion.

   I don't hate you! I just hope your next period happens in a shark tank...