Mick F Funny Status Messages

   What has 50 legs and smells like urine? The Conga line at the nursing home's "Annual Harvest Moon Dance".

   I always wanted to be a comic. Not a stand up act...an actual comic. I wanna slap a blob of Silly Putty on myself and make a copy of me.

   How do you say "virgin" in Dutch? Goodentight.

   Teenagers are people who express a burning desire to be different by dressing exactly alike.

   All my life I've blamed myself for having a weight problem. Turns out it was my mom's fault. It's not that she prepared fattening dishes, or made me eat a lot. It's just that instead of having an egg in her uterus, she had bacon.

   What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association

   Baseball World Records: Most Home Runs: Barry Bonds RBI's: Hank Aaron Career Batting Streak: Joe DiMaggio Most Innings Pitched: Cy Young Hit In The Face With The Most Balls: Justin Bieber

   Q. What's DNA stand for? A. National Dyslexics Association

   Look. If there's a chick wearing a dog collar in her profile pic, she's got a friend request coming from me. Period.

   My optic nerve crossed with my a$$hole, and gave me a sh*tty outlook on life.

   Sex is like math. Add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and hope you don't multiply!

   All 911 decals have been removed from Police cars in an effort to dissuade Mexicans from stealing them who think they're Porsches.

   The idiot that wrote about the "Porshes and Mexicans" knows how to spell Porsche.

   Once upon a time, many, many years ago in a galaxy far, far away, I was in the Boy Scouts. I slipped on a banana peel, hurt my ankle and a little old lady had to help me cross the street.

   Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route.

   Wishing all my facebook friends a fantasmagorical weekend filled with fun, sun, and...hang on a sec....huh?....okay, it's supposed to rain all weekend so never mind.

   McDonald's is down to their last pound of ground beef. That should be good for another million burgers.

   Don't you hate sitting in a chair after someone gets up and it feels like their a$$ must've been under a broiler?

   ...Unique is an understatement, I'm just plain ol' messed up.

   Psychiatric labels are nice way of sugar coating the fact that some people are just plain a$$holes.