@The69Sheriff Funny Status Messages

   You know what is better than dry shampoo? Showering.

   not sure which pants to wear today... smarty or fancy.

   Went bowling last night.... because I like jamming my thumb where a million other people have jammed their thumbs.

   Hey, hustler on the corner... you know what drug I would buy from you? Claritin-D 24... but you never have any.

   Stephen Hawking is British? Weird... I never noticed an accent.

   Whenever I get called for jury duty.., I wear my American flag onesie so the lawyers know my brand of justice is pure.

   I just spilled an entire glass of water on myself. Saddest wet t-shirt contest ever. Good news is... I won!

   And then it hit me... For years we have had the "#2", "drop a deuce", "talk to a man about a dog" and "drop the kids off at the pool"... Now I proudly introduce... "Hey guys, brb... I gotta go bury a Bin Laden."

   Everything is made in China except for babies... they're made in VaChina.

   I like my coffee the way I like my bed... made by someone else.

   They should make a Rosetta Stone that helps men understand what the f*ck women are actually trying to say.

   I think that every horoscope should read: "Your day is already a failure... you rely on horoscopes."

   I never know when it will strike... but there comes a moment at work when I've made up my mind that I'm not doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

   I can talk to animals... they don't talk back but the stuff I say to them is still really cool.

   Guys... at what point do they stop being skinny jeans and start being pantyhose?

   I love cornbread. Not as much as the woman next to me who has "CORNBREAD" tattooed on her arm... but I love it nonetheless.

   I think it's adorable when people assume I'm interested in anything they have to say before I've had my coffee.

   The slogan "America runs on Dunkin'" pretty much sums up where we are as a country.

   If you see only one hilarious movie about wacky bridesmaids this week... make it “Thor.”

   If I've learned one thing from Facebook... it's how to get a ton of work done in an hour after wasting 80% of my day Facebooking.