Funny Status Messages

   Bet when he went to school if there was a subject called how to do nothing, he would of gotten straight A's in it.

   You heard the saying "you are what you eat", well Mc. D's must be making their Big Mac with donkey meat.

   You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

   [during sex] me: imma turn the ceiling fan on giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

   co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave me: oh sorry does my lobster smell co-worker: no he’s pinching people

   So many things changing daily. For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

   Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower after my husband.

   Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

   it me or do the birds and critters seem so much louder now - like their taunting us?

   If a Tutu was designed for an extra-large ballerina, would it be called a Threethree?

   No matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature

   When I was a kid, my parents could only afford a secondhand calculator which was missing the 'X' button. Times were hard.

   When I get out of quarantine I am starting a line of lawn mowers called mowjo.

   I'm sorry I removed you from my friends-list. But it's my new policy in dealing with folks who annoy the f*****g s**t out of me.

   And suddenly people don't wonder any more if your living life to the fullest or have completely given up when you walk into the supermarket wearing pajamas.

   If you're not gaining weight during the pandemic you ain't high enough

   At least all this money printing from the Fed will solve the toilet paper shortage

   Newsflash: Sorry libs, but what the MSM is saying is a lie. Trump does not own any stock in a company that makes hydroxychloroquine.

   Remember wearing shoes? Is that still a thing?

   Roman Catholic dietary law classified aquatic mammals as fish rather than meat. therefore, you are free to eat beaver on Good Friday.