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Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
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12-20-2019 09:15
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Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
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12-20-2019 09:15
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We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
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12-20-2019 09:16
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*bursts through door while i’m using the bathroom* ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?!
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12-20-2019 09:16
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Netflix should have the option to not just resume from when you shut it off, but to resume from when you fell asleep.
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12-20-2019 09:17
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Top 3 screwdrivers: 1. Tool for turning screws 2. Vodka and orange juice 3. Method of Uber payment
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12-20-2019 09:18
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I take spiders outside in stead of killing them because it's not their fault that I'm scared of them. I do however, scream while doing so.
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12-20-2019 09:19
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If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
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12-20-2019 09:19
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One of my favorite things about Walmart: the impulse buy is no longer a breathmint, it's an entire rotisserie chicken.
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12-20-2019 09:21
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One advantage The Monkees had over The Beatles was the opposable thumb
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12-20-2019 09:21
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My moods don't just swing - they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.
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12-20-2019 09:22
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I'd like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means "wow that's fantastic." Her texts are so much more fun now.
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12-20-2019 09:22
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If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
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12-20-2019 09:23
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Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He's gonna help out around the office. *Monkey flinging office equipment out the window* Brian hates clutter.
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12-20-2019 09:25
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Crazy that in 2019 auto-flush toilets still can't distinguish between sowho's peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
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12-20-2019 09:26
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Cool Fact:Fred Flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
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12-20-2019 11:13
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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
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12-20-2019 11:26
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I've decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing. I really think it will spice up my autobiography.
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12-20-2019 12:23
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I could easily do all my Christmas shopping at the Cracker Barrel gift shop.
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12-21-2019 11:51 by
Jsabbage
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I love my robotic vacuum cleaner that saves so much time and effort!...as long as I don't have to spend like an hour looking for it under furniture or in corners or wherever it got stuck and died.
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12-21-2019 19:49
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