Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   When I do something stupid, my first thought is whether it would make a funny story or I should take it to my grave.

   I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes...

   Facebook should allow you to automatically de-friend your ex from all of your friends.

   Me and my bed are in a committed relationship, I think my alarm clock is just jealous of our love.

   I can't believe how much of this stuff at the self checkout is free.

   When the hell did I get drunk and married to Google? I can barely get a word out now before it tries to finish my sentence...

   I would rather have a cure for the common hangover than the common cold.

   I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

   Enjoy the little things in life, because one day, you'll look back and realize that they were actually big things.

   I'm glad Facebook will never tell you, "Not tonight I have a headache!"

   The iPhone checks my Facebook, checks my email, organizes my music, calls my Mom, and now it tracks my whereabouts? It's like having a jealous psycho girlfriend in your pocket.

   Tell a girl a million times shes not fat... She'll never believe you... Call her fat once she'll never forget it.

   If my number of Facebook friends drops, I just assume someone died.

   I can't stand it if I'm excluded from an activity even if I have no intention of going and don't like those who are.

   Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts! :(

   Hey, this Facebook thingy is WAY more fun than talking to each other!

   If State Farm were such a good neighbor they'd come over and pick up all the dog crap in my yard.

   Troubles keep me interested in my life :)

   I must say you really have a open mind... and a mouth to match.

   Problem: Always get stuck next to obnoxious drunk guy on plane. Solution: Be obnoxious drunk guy on plane.