Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I'm that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.

   I owe my bookie $300.I bet on a fight before I realized it was Rocky 4. I did the same thing with Space Jam and Air Bud

   The snooze button, because there's nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.

   When one door closes another one opens. Or you could jut re-open the closed door. Because that's how doors work.

   There are two types of people in this world and it is easily determined by what they do when an ice cube falls on the floor.

   I bet Mary and Joseph were like "Gee thanks little drummer boy. Cause the one thing every sleep deprived parent wants for their newborn is a drum solo!"

   You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I'm telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours

   It's amazing how many people are allergic to gluten, peanuts, and facts.

   The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.

   What's a pirate's fave letter of the alphabet? Trick question. They are illiterate savages whose purposes are ill-served by the written word

   I went to a pool party in 1998 with the time listed as 5-? on the invitation. I'm still here. Wrap it up guys there's so much I haven't done

   I cover up my bathroom noises with high pitched screaming

   If movies have taught me anything it's that all car chases eventually lead through a fruit stand.

   I blame my farts on the dog so regularly that now every time I let one rip, she slinks away in shame.

   Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders

   Peyton Manning's forehead is large enough to show an Imax movie.

   I bet a tough part of fielding calls at a poison control center is not finishing most of your sentences with "...you unbelievable moron."

   I bet I could win a gold medal for 'least amount of Olympics watched.' But I'll never know if I do.

   Suggested Transformers 4 movie poster slogan: Your Suspicions Are Correct, We Hate You and Think You Are Stupid.

   Time heals all wounds. Except sucking chest wounds. You should see a doctor about that.