Funny Status Messages

   Android > BlackBerry > Nokia > Fax > Landline phone > 2 cans and a string > Message in a bottle > Pigeon with a note taped to it > iPhone with iOS 11

   As an optimist,I don’t think I have a drinking problem. I have a drinking opportunity.

   Scientist have now cloned monkeys. Next on the Primate ladder before they reach humans- Politicians.

   I changed the audio of my GPS to a man's voice. Now it just says "It's around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."

   So the Canadian prime minister contacted Kentucky before the president did after the shooting. When did Canada become better than us?

   With the time difference between the eastcoast and westcoast. When you air travel from east to west. You literally are time traveling to a time that you already experienced.

   My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.

   We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like....... "well i'm bored, lets go brush our teeth!"

   Different ways to say "NO": German: Nein - Russian: Niej - Arabic: La - Women: Yes, but ...

   Some of the best decisions I've ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send

   In this day and age where kids expect their parents to do everything for them, it's encouraging to see them washing out their own mouths with soap.

   1 in 6 Millennials has a 100k saved, while 5 in 6 have 100k worth of tattoos...

   Ever wonder if pandas know they're cute?

   To help prevent teen pregnancy. High schools should hand out a C.D. of a crying baby instead of comdoms.

   I signed up for aerobics classes and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

   Wife giving you the silent treatment? Just loosen all the jar lids and keep the silence going !

   Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.

   They say time & water carved the Grand Canyon. I washed my underwear 20 times in Tide with Bleach and yup, skid marks still there.

   The Patriots are going to the Super Bowl? Who doesn’t love a good overdog story?

   This entire gender neutral thing has gone too far. I just saw a commercial on tv for Mama John's.