Funny Status Messages

   How can you tell if a man is blind at a nudist colony? It's not hard.

   Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right and the other is the husband.

   Don't change to get people to like you. Be your self and they will respect you.

   Statistics say more than one third of marriages start online. The other two thirds will end online

   Having daughters can increase life expectancy for fathers

   With most women it's not about how much money you make, what you drive or where you live at......LOL Who am I kidding, even the homeless women go after the homeless guys with the most stuff

   You: Cows are friends, not food. Me: Name one cow you’re friends with.

   Not all superheroes wear capes. Some of them tag you in memes.

   Kinda wanted to watch IT, but I realized I’m broke. So, just gonna look into this mirror instead.

   Let them hate. Just make sure they spell your name right.

   BEEP! -Zebra walking past a self-service checkout.

   The nice thing about being married is you finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be.

   I need a bumper sticker that says "Sorry for driving so close in front of you."

   I almost got raped in jail once. My family takes Monopoly way too seriously.

   Amazing fact #362: The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the NHL first started requiring helmets in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

   The only way a person can lose is if he doesn't try and according to my wife, I'm one of the most trying person she has ever known.

   Have a system for making long distance phone calls. The family and friends plan. I go to a friends house and use their phone to call my family.

   Question of the day: Do people eat Tide Pods because Trump is president, or is Trump president because people are dumb enough to eat Tide Pods?

   I just got the strangest BJ ever. It was... you ever see that cartoon where a chicken is trying to yank a worm out of the ground kinda like a tug of war?

   The difference between broccoli and boogers. Kids won't eat broccoli.