Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   FACT: The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.

   Getting lots of admiring looks in my new denim short-shirts and halter top.

   If you eat seafood can you go swimming right away?

   Found a bear in my garbage. Why would someone throw out a perfectly good bear?

   Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that's how I feel today.

   Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.

   To convince my boss that I'm keeping busy, I periodically yell "YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?" into my phone, then slam down the receiver

   If the first rule of fight club was not to discuss it. Why did they make a movie about it?

   Lost fifty dollars in my neighborhood. If someone finds it I'll give them a free dog.

   I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I'm better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

   Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going.

   The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.

   I don't have a smartphone.. I have a phone that shows potential, but refuses to apply its self.

   While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald's stops serving breakfast.

   if a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

   Cashier asked me if I wanted a box for my groceries. I said "yes", and she punched me

   Next time you cuddle your cat, remember that her inner monologue is "You know if you died I'd eat your eyes, right?"

   Be careful when you're watching a movie with your wife. You're gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.

   After 39 years, I’ve perfected acting interested in reading a birthday card after the money falls out.