Funny Status Messages

   Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

   Yesterday a barber was arrested in Victorville for selling drugs. That's crazy, I've been his customer for years and had no idea he knew how to cut hair.

   My dog got excited and bit my hand so I had to bite him back and pee on him to reestablish dominance... Hey, I don't make the rules.

   All middle seats on airlines should be filled with dogs. Period.

   Don't make me fall in love with your aloof disregard for my existence

   My favorite part of the day is the sitting down and getting drunk part. Definitely not the crying bit.

   Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

   it takes me like 3 days to wake up in the morning

   I would be more of a people person at work if HR would agree to day drinking.

   I like people. I just don't want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.

   I hate when my dog plays in the rain and comes in the house smelling like a hipster.

   Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

   Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I'm not allowed on the field this year.

   Astronaut: Houston, we have a problem. Houston: We have trump. You're better off up there.

   If it's not suitable for facebook, it's perfect for twitter.

   Pro Tip: Apply common sense for best results.

   I'm out of bacon. This is my suicide note.

   Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, "That completes my order" before they ask.

   We will rock you until another one bites the dust and we are the champions.

   Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?