flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Respect your elders. They made it through High School without Google or Wikipedia.

   Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.

   I have two feelings, it's either "I'm hungry" or "I shouldn't have eaten this much"

   To all the waiters out there: we don't get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.

   When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough.

   From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman's voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it's working.

   I'm glad there's an "international" sign for choking, because a foreign speaker might think you were just wildly signaling for a turtleneck.

   Got a tattoo that's says "mom". My mom got a tattoo that says "what". We're tattoo texting.

   If anyone ever texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from state farm"

   Kind of wish I didn't choose the thug life, everyone's really mean.

   My day always feels a lot more productive when I think about all those forest fires I prevented.

   You can't make me believe there's a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.

   The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.

   I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I've taken today's gummy vitamins.

   To feel more relaxed I go to my job interviews naked. I tell the guy "just picture me in a three piece suit and you'll feel less nervous."

   A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it's 3am. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby

   Whenever I drive past the psychic's empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.

   It'd be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security's face when they pull off the mask.

   Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family.

   I'm glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."