Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read a medication bottle and see, "May cause extreme sexiness."

   99% of relationships involve tolerating how weird the other person is.

   Learn to appreciate what you have, before time makes you appreciate what you had.

   I saw a leprechaun once. After enough green beers you begin to see all kinds of things.

   It"s ok to pretend you're Irish on St. Patrick's Day. You pretend you're good on Christmas, don't you?

   Two generations that were unable to go to bed without their stuffed animals or blankies now feel the same way about their phones.

   I may look calm, but in my head I've punched you in the face 3 times!

   Liars always think that no one is telling the truth.

   "I can't go. I have to stay home and stare at my wife." - All my married friends

   I'm living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble, people! Respect it!

   I'm beginning to realize that some people must actually enjoy being miserable.

   Don't trade what you want most for what you want now.

   One of the best feelings in the world is waking up to your room feeling like it's Alaska and you're under 8 layers of blanket.

   Winter: It's like the crazy murderer in a horror movie. Just when you think it's dead, it strikes one last time.

   I was completely offended, but then you said "no offense," so now everything's cool.

   Drunk walking home is much more fun than drunk driving home, and much less dangerous. For instance, if you knock over something driving home, you are screwed. If you knock over something while drunk walking home, everyone cheers.

   Funny how Facebook has turned druggies, hoes, and fakes into motivational speakers...

   I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???

   It's a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.

   Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.