Funny Status Messages

   It's funny how Democrats are blaming the Russians and all they did was expose the truth

   I don't care what you say. Arbor Day and Christmas are cousins.

   I miss the old time movie stars. You know, the ones that wore clothes and had talent?

   The first rule of Christmas Fight Club is don't buy her anything half a size bigger than she is because clearly you're implying something..

   Sitting in a busy parkink lot tooting my horn when I see someone pressing their remote looking for their car.

   When you finally meet that girl off snapchat, and she forgot she forgot to bring the dog face filter with her

   My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.

   Sad start to this week as we lost Grandpa. Luckily, we found him this morning!

   Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot. But the Grinch who lived just North of Whoville did not!

   Something going viral just means more idiots have seen and liked it.

   Here's a list of my favourite xmas carols.

   SIERRA, ECHO ,NOVEMBER,DELTA NOVEMBER UNIFORM DELTA ECHO SIERRA .

   Going viral? That's a GOOD thing now? Where was this internet thing when I was going viral in 80s

   A very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

   What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.

   Remember ladys, being good may get you a few nice presents but being naughty will get you diamonds.

   People who say I'm hard to buy for obviously don't drink or smoke weed

   Girls just wanna have fun, guys just wanna have funds!

   It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .

   Hello, ABC? It's less than 40 hours until New Year's Eve...time to fill the sink with water and defrost Dick Clark.