Funny Status Messages

   So I read that Uber is going to start using self-driving cars to drive people around... Which is a great idea.. But I'm just thinking, if a car drives up to my house to take me somewhere with nobody in it.. I'm pretty sure I just got myself a new car...

   Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler....So straighten up and fly right

   I AM SO READY TO KISS 2016 GOODBYE!

   Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.

   "Well, Bill, now I see how you came up with the word 'Microsoft'." -Melinda Gates, on their wedding night.

   why is there a trump filter and not an oblablah filter

   The Movie/Book "50 Shades of Grey" was only romantic because the dude was a freakin Billionaire. Heck .... If he lived in a Trailer ... The story would have actually been an episode of "Criminal Minds"

   On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss,

   Tomorrow is the official Electoral College vote. Or as it will be more popularly known: "The Day Hillary Lost The Election For The Third Time."

   Def Leppard is the safest music to air drum to while driving because you can keep one hand on the steering wheel.

   Dear Lord, Please use thy healing powers to see over Aleppo. And Lord, while you're at it, please check on his brothers; Groucho, Harpo and Chico as well. Amen.

   The people who insist you say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" are just trying to Police Navidad.

   I'd like to go to Holland someday wooden shoe?

   Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-Eleven last night. Hope I don't catch Slurpees.

   i have been upgraded to Santas naughty list Platinum member

   The ox and lamb kept time?? I'm calling BS on that one...

   People act like they've never seen winter before. It happens every f'n year, ya know?

   Put it this way, if they take aways "fake news"... you'll never get to see Cowboys fans bragging about how great they are.

   I think 2016 will be known Historically as "The Year That Everyone Was Offended by Absolutely Everything." .... Well .... Hopefully we can look forward to 2017 as being known as "The Year That Everyone Grows Up!"

   I just found out that my wife is actually Mrs. Santa Claus!! At least that's what my kids tell me.