Funny Status Messages

   Friend: I'm getting married! Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

   If I had a bowl of Tic Tacs and told you that Donald Trump used them so he was ready to kiss women without their permission would you vomit?

   Still trying to figure out what base "furniture shopping" is.

   If I ever become a ghost I'd wear something with pizazz, like a snazzy bow tie or something.

   I went into the bathroom without my phone and now I know all the ingredients of cleaning solutions.

   'What's your wifi password?' is a visiting child's new 'can I have a cookie?'

   I'm pretty sure the devil and the angel on my shoulders are secretly f**king.

   What sounds better, "working through things" or "soul as black as the depths of the ocean"? I really need to get my Craigslist ad right.

   My son always has a stuffed banana with him and I'm worried this is how hacky comics get their start. Should I introduce him to drugs now?

   "Better out than in," I merrily say as I force my guests out the front door at 9 PM.

   Listen, I could have gone my whole life without hearing the term "fecal transplant" and I wouldn't have regretted it.

   I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, "well, at least somebody gets to be held."

   My sex tape is 30 minutes of me trying to get back on the floaty I fell off of in the pool.

   No Nancy, I can't come to your essential oils party. I have to organize my liquor cabinet.

   If you're walking around the house talking to yourself, it's okay if your dog is listening.

   Quit telling everyone how much you love Fall, you psychopath.

   Yes, the rumor is true. I did poop my pants while running home from the neighbor's house when I was 5.

   Peoples whose sliding closet doors never come off their tracks, what do you do with the rest of your dark magic?

   Add 'sexy' to anything and it instantly becomes a female Halloween costume.

   You met her at church but she still could be Satan.