Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I wish it was my job to sit around laughing at statuses all day. Actually, he is unaware, but that's what my boss is paying me to do anyway.

   Are you really sorry or are you just Charlie Sheen sorry?

   I've perfected the art of the “You're telling me a story that I don't care about, but I'm trying to look interested” face.

   When writing the story of your life... Don't let anyone hold the pen!!!

   Life is like photography, we develop from the negatives.

   I'm up way too early for someone who wasn't planning on seizing the day.

   Whenever I say, "I don't mean that in a bad way," I usually do.

   When life knocks me down, instead of getting back up I usually lie there and take a nap.

   Take your time, think a lot. Think of everything you've got. For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.

   I did 26 situps this morning. It's not a lot, but then again how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock?

   Intelligence is like underwear: It's important to have it, but you don't have to show it off...

   I can't even take a picture these days without someone yelling at me, "You better not put that on Facebook!"

   Sometimes feels like life is a big test and I'm in the wrong classroom.

   Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio :)

   If people insist on acting like an idiot, I must insist on treating them like one.

   A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. What do you mean? responded her mother. Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another...

   i walked past my mother-in-law's house today that was on fire. I spotted her screaming from the top window, "SAVE ME, SAVE ME!!!" ...So I did! ...as my new screensaver.

   I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met any of Andy's mom's toys... especially since they probably have the same names...

   The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.

   Today marks the anniversary of the death of The Notorious BIG. Dinner tonight will consist of t-bone steak, cheese, eggs and Welch's grape.