Funny Status Messages

   Fish food is a one time purchase. If you go through more than a canister in 10 years your fish has an eating disorder.

   I just yelled "Yo Joey" at the Springsteen concert in New Jersey and 2/3rds of the crowd turned around.

   Donald Trump met with Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto this week, so Trump can tell him how great the Mexican food is at Trump Tower.

   Do you think Magnum the ice cream bar company and Magnum the condom company ever feud about who's is bigger?

   Never bring a knife to a gun fight; unless it's attached to a gun; look...just also bring a gun. Matter of fact just don't go to the fight.

   Message to Veterinarians: If people are stealing prescription meds from their pets, maybe you should stop prescribing Oxycontin to goldfish.

   When I see a framed first dollar earned hanging in a business I wonder how many stripper's butt cracks it was in before that.

   Who needs facts? That's what opinions are for. New political slogan....

   People all upset about someone not standing while wearing hats about how America sucks and voting a draft dodger.

   One of the greatest moments of progress in world peace and democracy was tearing down the Berlin Wall. Only a true psychopath would think building a giant wall is a progressive step in our world.

   If we don't build a wall on our northern border, they'll soon be maple syrup and Canadian bacon trucks on every corner.

   You know your weed man is getting too popular when he has his own Snapchat location filter.

   Why aren't Cadbury eggs available year round?

   My favorite brand of tent for camping is Marriott.

   While we're all talking about it, can I suggest a Fish n Chip truck on every other corner?

   Someone was blocking the grocery aisle with their cart, so naturally I walked over one aisle to get around them like an adult.

   If by picnic you mean eating inside at a restaurant not swatting insects then yes, yes, I'll join you for a picnic.

   Hey Trump haters... You guys can still pee in the ladies room since you have been for years anyway

   How do you say Tony Romo in Spanish?..........Mark Sanchez

   When a couple breaks up, the girl always thinks the guy blew it while the guy is glad he’s away from that psycho b*tch.