Funny Status Messages

   Just another Sunday morning that my family won't join me singing "Lord I was Born a Scramblin' Man" while I make their eggs.

   Sometimes I can't figure out if it's Botox or a bee sting.

   Only 4 more months until Ryan Lochte comes down the chimney and brings us all presents.

   Never mix anxiety medication with alcohol unless you're absolutely certain you want it to work better.

   Annoy the Star Wars fan in your life by constantly referring to the force as "geek magic."

   If you're going to fight with your spouse at the grocery store, I'm going to put on a rally cap and start cheering for whoever is losing.

   Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I'm not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

   Drugs are bad but if there were ever a reason for cocaine, it would be having kids.

   On a scale of 1 to functional alcoholic, where does pre-gaming before my daughter's kindergarten open house fall?

   Kids suck at eating ice cream cones.

   At least Ryan Lochte didn't say he invented the airplane.

   Welcome to parenting. Hope you like ketchup.

   An Olympian biting their gold medal only it's me biting the wine cork I just pulled out with my teeth.

   The year is 2054. My casket's being lowered into the landfill. My grandson Chipotle starts to play Taps on his iBugle.

   Well, if you don't shop at Walmart, where do you buy your hotdog flavored potato chips?

   It's not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.

   Hey Hillary supporters, Your here illeagly so you wont be getting a chance to vote.

   instead of hands up don't shoot,how about pull your pants up don't loot....

   Hillary says if elected, along with your government cheese, you will also get a cheese grater. #MakeAmericaGrateAgain

   I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish........ *and yes,, I was around alot of people smoking pot today so....