Funny Status Messages

   Rudy Giuliani blames Obama for the Pokemon outbreak and need for Pokemon-Go, "Before Obama there were no Pokemon running around our cities."

   I can't believe Rudy Giuliani forgot about 9/11 considering it's also his credit card pin.

   "From Russia with Love." -Donald Trump's New Campaign Slogan

   Early to bed, Early to rise, Makes a man healthy, wealthy and without any friends with good after-hours stories.

   It must be a great offer since the Prince of Nigeria took the time to write me personally today.

   Looks like Hillary's going to steal the election by using the oldest trick in the book. By getting millions more votes than her opponent.

   I'm not one to brag but....when I perspire, I release a gentle odor of Doritos and bacon.

   I drink so much hazelnut creamer that I would think coffee-mate would want to acknowledge me somehow.

   As if I needed anything else to stress about now I have to worry about kids getting high on something called flakka and chewing my face off.

   My dog spins around 3 times before he pees. From the looks of it, someone in that public restroom must've been doing the same thing.

   Ryan Lochte is now claiming he was robbed at gunpoint by Brian Williams.

   I'd imagine Ryan Lochte's next move will be the backstroke.

   You know you're a dude when at least once you've been in the shower and used your washcloth to clean your shower tiles.

   All I want is someone to hug me with the same loving ferocity that Danny Trejo hugged Carmen and Juni with in Spy Kids

   Ryan Lochte and his teammates lied about being robbed in Rio, but let’s see how much damage will be done to their careers.

   I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?

   I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.

   If someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.

   I didn't even know I liked water polo until I saw the women's uniforms. :P

   Ryan Lochte is now claiming he was chased by Usain Bolt but managed to get away.