Funny Status Messages

   Malia Obama smoked pot?! Uh-oh. If she keeps up this behavior, she might wind up becoming president.

   Can you please color code your meltdowns so we can keep up?

   People that are voting for Trump because Clinton is a liar are the same type of people that smoke Camels because Marlboros cause cancer.

   My dog ate out of the garbage, sniffed himself, threw up and fell asleep in the kitchen. Think he's mocking me when I drink.

   ... Trump has been watching the Olympics to see how high the Mexican Pole Vaulters can go.

   Mexico isn't doing too well in the Olympics. Anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already gone to the United States.

   Watching an Olympian biting his gold medal he just won while I bite the wine cork I just pulled out with my teeth.

   Just put a stick figure family on my car so I’d have one place where I look skinny.

   At least once a day I pause to remember the fish from the Faith no More video.

   I'm at the age where an all-nighter takes place over 2 nights.

   Forgive me for saying this but if you like the Rolling Stones more than the Beatles we can't be friends.

   Out of everything Johnny Depp has been accused of, his wearing a crop top jersey in Nightmare on Elm Street has got to be the worst.

   Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me. Fortunately, my injuries were only super-fish-oil.

   Jesus' Greatest Miracles: 1) Turning water to wine... 2) Raising Lazarus... 3) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs

   Usain Bolt is the world's fastest man, but if they had a sex olympics my husband would be in the hunt for the title.

   If you can't say something nice, go write a YouTube comment.

   My wife : "What's the big deal with Usain Bolt finishing in under 10 seconds? You do that all the time."

   Did you know that "Go hang a salami, Doc! Note; I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod. I’m a lasagna hog." is a palindrome? You do now.

   It costs you nothing to pay someone a compliment. Be nice to someone today. Kindness is contagious.

   Hey parents: I haven't seen one medal awarded at the Olympics for participation.