Funny Status Messages

   Diary, 1991: wrote that I hoped to meet a guy who'd say "everything I do, I do it for you," then put "besides Jesus" so he wouldn't get mad.

   If you write a bunch of tweets about the farmers market from your couch on Sunday morning you can trick people into thinking you do stuff.

   Feels weird pouring this local single sourced organic raw honey on a biscuit from KFC.

   I feel like everyone at this farmers market not eating a McGriddle thinks they are better than me.

   My cable just went out while watching the Olympics but Comcast told me they would be out to fix it between 8 AM tomorrow and the 2020 games.

   1001 crockpot recipes that all taste like beige mush.

   School gets out at 2:15 pm so if you don't get in the pickup line by 1:00 you don't love your kid.

   Watched a few hours of British TV and now I can't stop calling my shoes trainers.

   Sorry I've been avoiding you like a mall kiosk offering lotion samples.

   Me: Wow that was a lot of pancakes. Time to go though!..... IHOP Manager: *locks doors* I don't think you understand "never ending pancakes" sir.

   Don't cry because it's over. Smile because you didn't catch herpes.

   Now Dammit! The sign says "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service." It said nothing of pants! It's so hot...

   Really hoping Donald Trump wins the 2020 Olympic fencing competition.

   Thank you, ladies. For shaving your pits, legs, bikini,and face. Thank you for makeup and clothes that shape you, and hold it all in. Thank you for face-lifts, tummy tucks, implants and lipo. Sincerely, Us Fake Men.

   I watched the Olympics last night....I first watched competitive house remodeling, then Cooking with the nuwave oven, and finally finished the evening off with what I thought was going to be open water shark vacuuming....Olympics have sure changed...

   My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that's why I never dated left handed chicks.

   Welcome to parenting.... Hope you like ketchup.

   And in other news… Trump’s design of the wall separating Mexico from USA has been changed and will no longer use thick glass panes for the wall outer surfaces.

   If I give you a card for any occasion know that there is a 97% chance I bought it 30 minutes before I gave it to you & then signed it while parked in your driveway.

   f I ever invented time travel, I'd probably just keep going back to that time I got 7 chicken nuggets instead of 6.