Funny Status Messages

   They need to bring back beatings in schools because I know a few people who need to go back and learn a lesson the hard way.

   I'm a terrible human because I really can't stand to hear anyone hiccuping, coughing, sniffing or breathing....

   Video killed the radio star, and anime killed the Pornhub star, because circle of life.

   My message in a bottle would simply say 'please fill with vodka' and include a return address.

   Never trust people who try and trick you into eating healthy.

   Watching swimming isn't really that exciting and you know it.

   If you try something new and you aren't immediately awesome at it, say it's stupid and never try it again.

   Debating an internet troll is like teaching a monkey how to drive a car. You both get frustrated and one of you ends up throwing feces.

   The "death tax" is obviously a big issue for non-millionaire people in Detroit who have no estate and also no safe drinking water.

   FYI the security at Target gets a little huffy if you bring your own custom-made cart.

   Weird how all the Olympians are really in shape.

   A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

   Christian Rock Bands: Fooling me with their peppy intros since 1995.

   Olympics Fun Fact: Each athlete gets one "do over" per Olympics.

   Always have very good instincts. For example, I can always tell when someone is throwing hot coffee on me.

   No Mom, It's not just a 'phase.' It's really who I am.....

   ... Just been watching Ladies Olympic Beach Volleyball and there has already been a wrist injury .... But I should be OK by Monday

   everytime a news organisation asks either Trump himself or one of his children on any network, they always start with...Well Hillary did this...! GIVE US YOUR POLICIES MR TRUMP instead of shifting the blame.

   I remember years ago my wife would undress and her torso would look like the hottest thing ever. Nowadays when she undresses, her torso looks like Homer Simpson.

   Water polo? How do they prevent the horses from drowning?