Funny Status Messages

   The time I was so drunk I forgot what a bar was and called it the Beer Desk.

   Not unlike jury duty, every American eventually gets a letter in the mail indicating that it's their turn to feud with Taylor Swift.

   If you tweet as a couple and split up, she gets custody of all the followers. That's the way it works. He might get a RT on weekends.

   If you are on fire, my advice would be to get off fire.

   There's nothing quite like that moment when your toddler comes for a cuddle, looks deep into your eyes, and sneezes directly into your face.

   The most important part of signing your kid up for an activity is getting a sticker for your car so everyone knows.

   Babies are the only ones with enough courage to scream on airplanes.

   HELP WANTED: Neck trapped in the sleeve again.

   The guy in the bathroom with me is having trouble getting his pee started because he thinks I'm listening. He's right. I'm listening....

   n't it strange how so many Media and Journalism Outlets are condemning Wikileaks for doing just what Journalists used to do?

   The Donald is gonna have to learn how to Duck.

   ..... If stomping on the US Flag is considered Protected Free Speech ..... Well heck ... Then so is stomping on someone who is stomping on the Flag.

   According to the women's beach volleyball game I just watched, I don't need Viagra after all. :/

   Movie idea: "Suicide Squad 2". They could just film the reaction of people watching part 1.

   Instead of milk cartons they should put photos of missing people on the backs of smartphones.

   At this point an all nighter simply means I didn't need to get up to pee in the middle of the night.

   Always buy flowers when on a date with a vegan. So they have something to eat when I take them to Outback Steakhouse for dinner.

   Legally you can add your name to the cast of any IMDB entry as long as you end it with "(uncredited)".

   I'm no athlete in Rio, but I'd still like someone to test my urine. I suspect it's excellent.

   Show your partner you're committed to a long term relationship by not supporting them in what they do.