Funny Status Messages

   This Pokémon stuff is getting way too serious. My doctor was giving me a colonoscopy yesterday and found a Pikachu.

   We live in a world where trained cops can panic and act on impulse but untrained civilians must remain calm with a gun in their face.

   Ironically, the mullet was probably created to STOP red necks.

   Well ... Judging by this Chalk Line around me ... I must have slept really good last night!

   there anything other than Pokemon happening out there in the world? .... Nah

   It's a good day to be an avid indoorsman. Just harvested some berries from my fridge and slaughtered a Pop-Tart.

   Mike Pence's home State Republicans are delighted he's running for Vice President rather then re-election as Govenor because they're worried HE WOULD LOSE!

   Today's Lesson: Do not hula hoop without a bra on. That is all.

   did the Trump campaign even Google Mike Pence?

   did primary voters even google "Clinton"?

   The NRA says what happened in Nice, France cld have been stopped if everyone in the crowd also had a truck

   Oxygen was discovered in 1772.... what did people breathe before then?

   Just heard on the radio that former child star McCauley Culkin may soon get married for a second time...... I guess he was tired of being "Home Alone."

   Can you do me a favor? Take a picture of yourself, and send it to me. I am playing cards and seem to be missing the Joker |♠|♣|♥|♦|

   "1-800-Yankees." - My reply when someone at a store asks me to give them a phone number.

   I bet if Bon Jovi could turn back time he wouldn't do those awful DirecTV commercials.

   Right now at this very moment I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.

   ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I'm going to Skype call that radio psychic.... RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you're on the air...... ME: HOLY CRAP !?!

   The dental hygienist asked if I have any concerns. So we talked for 20 minutes about how Kevin Durant will fit in with the Warriors.

   ... Seriously .... I really don't know when the giant UFO landed and dumped off all of these stupid people .... But one thing's for sure .... They ain't coming back for them!