Funny Status Messages

   I'm self-employed and I can't believe my boss touches me inappropriately so often.

   You're part of the problem if you post a click bait article on Facebook and don't give the ending forcing me to have to click it.

   Aladdin is my favorite story about how anything is possible if you find a magical genie that grants wishes.

   Just when you think the world’s gone crazy you find out Mick Jagger knocked up his 29-year-old girlfriend and everything makes sense again.

   Forget a wall, we should just put caution tape around the borders of America.

   "It's so nice to see you finally working together," I tell my kids as they overthrow me.

   Why dont they serve hotdogs at a gay picnic. because they taste like shiiit

   Somebody please introduce these Anonymous Hacktivists to PokemonGo, might get them out of the house for a bit.

   The Rick Springfield Paradox: If you get Jessie's Girl, she is no longer Jessie's Girl, and you have obtained nothing.

   Question: Is sexual healing covered by Obamacare?

   Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

   Our neighbours are the type that run marathons. We're the type where, as we get out of the car, empty donut boxes fall out.

   Often wonder if ax murderers hide in the woods or live in regular houses. Anyway, have fun camping this weekend.

   Don't want to jump to conclusions but you look like you have a porch couch.

   Any of you folks finding that a litter box is just more convenient than a toilet?

   Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting "Mean Girls."

   Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump's security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

   Haven't tried heroin yet, but I imagine the rush is like remembering I have pie in the fridge.

   If you watch "My Cousin Vinny" 12 times in a calendar year, you receive a law degree from the University of Phoenix.

   If you run into a wall or walk off a cliff while chasing a Pikachu, I'm going to Laughatchu.