Funny Status Messages

   Romantic comedies have ruined women's expectations. Every time I go on a first date she thinks my best friend is LeBron James.

   I wanted a candy bar but instead I did the right thing and ate an apple, with some walnuts and caramel topping.

   If you have to go to a body of water to catch a water Pokemon, you should have to run into a burning building to catch a fire Pokemon.

   Bernie Sanders' campaign has had more endings than The Lord Of The Rings.

   FB Live? The whole point of Facebook was that we wouldn't have to see anyone live.

   Pokemon Go mesmerizing people into going outside is like the plot to a Steven King novel.

   Well tonight's date night for me and the wife I certainly hope we don't run into each other

   FYI,,, I never really know when to stop peeling cabbage.

   This is a shout out, to those of you on the toilet right now reading this... Have a good dump. Seriously.

   If I were of Chinese descend and a multi Millionaire. I would change my name to Cha Ching. . .

   I must have an amazing Butt because every time I walk away from someone they say ... "What an ass."

   Holy Crap ..... I just found a Pokemon in my Toilet!!!

   Whitesplaining: To paternalistically lecture people of color as to what is and isn't racism which ironically reveals racism.

   Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt, people write on walls and worship cats.

   Maybe broccoli doesn't like you either....

   At least we Americans can feel better today knowing Canada's national animal is a rodent.

   If a Canadian falls in the forest and no one is around, does he still apologize?

   Final Brexit tally is in: 48% Sense and Sensibility, 52% Pride and Prejudice.

   Coming This Fall On HBO: Game of Loans. Move over medieval times, it's university life at it's finest in 2016.

   I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitos.