Funny Status Messages

   Just ate some oatmeal and cantaloupe for breakfast incase anyone needs a walking buddy at the mall this afternoon.

   Wonder why the lawyer I hired to defend me during my public lewdness trial didn't invoke the "extemely careless" defense.

   Got fired from my job because apparently having your secretary bring you a martini while using the bathroom is frowned upon.

   Let me sum up the next few months: 1) Trump says and/or does something stupid. 2) Taylor Swift breaks up. 3) Enjoy your summer!

   Summer Checklist: Pay extra for coffee with ice in it.

   Roger Ailes' Response to Gretchen Carlson's Allegations: "Dat ass doe!"

   "On a scale of 9 to 10, how delicious are Trump's steaks?" -The one and only question asked to potential VP candidates by Trump's vetting team.

   Imagine arriving in Heaven and finding out guacamole is still extra.

   The Kardashians have screwed more celebrities than a camera with no filter.

   Apple pushing organ donor registration for iPhone users. How?!?! Siri asks over and over, "You know you only really need ONE kidney."

   So we wear the hazmat suit while watching the Rio Olympics correct?!?!

   Sorry Jupiter, unless Matt Damon gets stranded on you, nobody actually cares about your planet.

   People should be indicted for putting raisins and walnuts in coleslaw.

   Hey Trump: As a guy who owns a bunch of casinos, maybe you're not the right person to tell us how certain things are "rigged."

   Sometimes I'm happy, then mad, then hungry and then chatty. So yes, I get it women. Great, now I'm crying.

   When blakcs stop shooting each other by the thousands, I'll start worrying about the cops shooting two.

   Lebron went home, Wade went home..what y'all Cubans waiting on?

   Would these Hillary supporters just drop dead already?

   Delete Hillary

   I just ordered all new cookware made from Hillary Clinton stem cells.....NOTHING sticks to it.....