Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Shouldn't somebody else blow out the candles when it's a fireman's birthday?

   Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside

   Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"

   I hope to get to the point in my life where I'm not excited about finding change on the ground.

   I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is "love," but it's actually "floor"

   I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that's my stuff!"?

   Go to the train station and make eye contact with someone as the train pulls away and then chase after it it while yelling "I LOVE YOU!"

   FACT: With the exact same amount of $ the government spends to buy the Army an attack helicopter they could buy ME an attack helicopter

   The people that cheer and high five after their family member gives a dumb answer on Family Feud are better people than me

   Fun thing to do #78 When you order a Coke and the waiter asks, "Is Pepsi okay?" shout "WHAT AM I, AN ANIMAL?"

   It's a shame that people who start a sentence with, "I know it's none of my business," never leave it at that.

   When the interviewer asks "Why do you want to work here?" don't answer "you'll find out!" and laugh maniacally

   Shoutout to God for not giving wings to snakes.

   I hate when people text me "what are you doing?" at 1:00 pm on a weekday. Well I don't have your Art History degree, so probably "working".

   Do you think St. Patrick is looking down from heaven thinking, "What are they doing? I hated beer and the color green."

   My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

   I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

   I used to work for a psychic, and when I quit I didn't have to give two weeks notice.

   Ford F-150 commercials make it seem as if hauling loads of crumbled boulders over mountainous terrain is a commonly-practiced thing.

   April fool's day idea: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says "Now voice activated!" Sit back & watch the magic unfold.