Funny Status Messages

   Perhaps Daniel Craig's Successor as James Bond should be a disabled woman.

   Wreird AirBNB Listing: Stay for FREE in 3 room luxurous home. However if owners return unexpectedly please vacate immediately.

   Failed Summer Camp Slogans: Funeral Camp, You'll Dig It Here.

   Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.

   Therapy In 4 Words: Great bourbon, fluffy kittens.

   ..... Politicians ..... Proof that crime does pay! OK ... Throw in Lawyers too.

   Next time you feel like running around naked, please spray yourself with windex...it prevents streaking.

   ... So ... I cheated on my diet for ONE day and gained fifty pounds .... WTF?

   "Braindead" is a new show on CBS about Aliens who invade the U.S. Capitol then seek to eat the minds of our leaders in order to inhabit their bodies. Those poor Aliens. They're going to starve if they're trying to find brains in Washington DC.

   45 years ago today men walked on the moon. Meanwhile, I just ate a donut out of the trash.

   Am I the only one who thinks it's crazy Angry Birds got a movie before Zelda or Halo?

   Night clubs during the day is now one of my anxiety triggers....

   My last loving relationship involved a spare electrical outlet at an airport departure gate.

   I just put on a fitted sheet on my bed and didn't mess up. I'm entitled to a trophy

   Possible names for Vegas new NHL team: Aces, Chips, Spades, Cards, High Rollers, Lights, Gamblers, Tourists, Sinners, and Dead Prostitutes.

   Lonely? Stand at the bottom of an escalator and high five the people coming off. If they refuse, yell, "Are you too lazy for that too?'

   Now it's too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.

   Career, dreams, meaningful relationships. Pick any two.

   You unfriended me on Facebook because I didn't wish you a Happy Birthday on FB? That's a little harsh Mom.

   Hillary Clinton promises to wear a Chewbecca mask in public to improve her polling numbers.