Funny Status Messages

   Request to Disneyland to have a 101 Dalmatians attraction where you literally just sit in a room surrounded by 101 Dalmation puppies.

   ... I think it's sad that my retirement plan consists of buying a lottery ticked every week. But when I DO win ... I am totally retiring!

   Hey, If I was an African American defendant and found out that the Judge in charge of my docket was associated with the Klan .... I too would definitely question his ability to judge my case.

   Heard somebody in the US gets stabbed every 52 seconds .... Poor Schmuck

   A gay Christian is not an oxymoron, a hateful Christian most certainly is....

   Oh you're voting for Hillarious Clinton the crook. I am not saying you're stupid, but voting for her only proves you are. . .

   Here's another way to pi$$ off a liberal.. tell them to obey the immigration laws. . .

   Crib instructions should come with a warning that you may end up divorced before assembly is complete.

   A lady would text you at 8:10 and expect you to text back at 8:09

   All of those movies that had a black President in charge of America at the end of the world were wrong. Turns out it will be an orange one.

   In heaven, if you get angel hair for dinner the manager comps your meal and apologizes repeatedly.

   Why does Victoria Beckham call them boobs and not a Spice Rack?

   Mind of a 21 year old man, body of a 45 year old lesbian...

   I need to stop lying to my therapist. I also just need to stop lying. I don't have a therapist.

   I had assumed Netflix's The Do-Over was about Adam Sandler traveling back in time to fix his career. I was wrong.

   Ever get the feeling that stuffed animals are only silent because they're judging you?

   I'd like to congratulate Hillary Clinton on clinching the Democratic nomination. Does anyone have her personal email address?

   Pro Tip: Apparently, 20 minutes is "too soon" to tell the new employee that the company is a godawful living hell of misery and despair.

   Your popularity in High School will translate well into the real world!!!

   I'd give my wife my coat if she's cold but I'll take it back if I become cold and maybe she'll be prepared next time we go out.