Funny Status Messages

   When it comes to self-absorption, you’re like a sponge.

   I passed a heart stress test today when I noticed a spider crawling up my shoulder.

   Computer glitch at LAX causes passenger to catch flight quickly & unmolested....

   90% of this vacation is just me staring down seagulls over a plate of food.

   My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I'll be able to do karate if I'm ever in a fight.

   She said she hates my analogies and wishes I would communicate like a normal person, but that's like telling a samurai not to use his sword.

   To be honest, I thought all this was a dream, so I stopped paying my bills a year ago.

   One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

   My 401k is whatever’s left on this Starbucks gift card.

   Pitching a marriage game show called ""Fine or Not Fine?"

   Olive Garden didn't treat me like family. If they did they would've blown cigarette smoke in my face and told me what a disappointment I am.

   Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he's expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

   I think my coworkers like me mostly because I’m too busy texting to judge their work ethic.

   The first bee is always the calm before the swarm.

   Shout out to all my fans out there! [mom stands up and waves]

   When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

   I just assume I do everything wrong since I don't have a wife to confirm it.

   I am not narcissistic. I just wonder how all of this pertains to me....

   Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

   Dogs Barking at Night Translated -- Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog! Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog! Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren't going to believe this...