Funny Status Messages

   it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn't seem to think so.

   Lesson learned: toddlers don't understand sarcasm. As a side note, don't say 'bite me' around toddlers that don't understand sarcasm.

   Amazon Prime will deliver food right to my door? GTFO. I may never have to see people again!

   Pro Life really just means Pro Being Born... on your own after that.

   If marriage counseling is seeing other people over drinks, then I will go to counseling.

   You can tell kids you're friends with Donald Trump, they don't know.

   Bernie Sanders looks like the guy in disaster movies who knows whats coming but no one listens to cause his hair bad and he keep dropping his papers....

   I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.

   My nipples are so sensitive, they co-wrote "Piece by Piece" by Kelly Clarkson.

   Whenever an action movie hero is like "I know someone who can help us, guy owes me a favor" it means he let that guy suck his weenie.

   Fact: Hell is wallpapered with all your deleted selfies.

   Oh no, I'm at that level of airplane drunk where I just almost stood up to go and smoke a cigarette.

   I bet Jesus hates it that his birthday and Christmas are on the same day.

   It's weird how certain expressions go out of style. Like it's been a while since I've heard someone say "hey, you look great".

   Fact: When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

   I started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles.

   Nothing good ever goes down behind beaded curtains.

   Getting stoned to death doesn't sound like that bad of a way to go.

   If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

   Give the gift of life. Become an organ donor. Hot singles in your area will appreciate it.