Funny Status Messages

   Forget a Klondike Bar. Ask me what I'd do for a Xanax bar.

   90 per cent of my job as a lawyer is being asked to help a friend of a friend's cousin get out of parking tickets.

   I bet Batman's cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.

   Nipples...Mother Nature's thermometer.

   What if Peter Parker had gotten bit by a radioactive beaver?

   I'll punch you and take your taco.

   You are not designed for everyone to like you. You're not pizza.

   Happy May the 5th is what we will be saying once Trump is elected

   I typed my symptoms into Web MD this afternoon, Turns out I'm Gary Busey .

   Giant douche or turd sandwich? ....the choice is yours.

   Remember folks...the left wing and the right wing are all part of the same bird!

   Bernie vs Trump way better than Hillary vs Trump. Help people see that without insulting them tho lol

   I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name.

   I wonder if Magic Johnson ever regrets wasting the world's best porn name on a basketball career.

   I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

   Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.

   If you're wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don't google 'old man bond age'.

   Nature in the country: watching a deer drink from a stream. Nature in the city: watching a rat and a pigeon fight over a condom.

   1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have 'lady problems' then start crying. It works even better for guys.

   Fun Prank Idea: Put Kool-Aid in your friend's shower head. Then, when he or she gets in the shower, set their house on fire.