Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   A man's best chance of winning any argument with a woman is if he confines it entirely in his own mind.

   I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything...

   I decided I'd like to get to know you all a lot better. Let's start with banking information. ;)

   A baby was born laughing really hard with its fists closed! The confused doctor unfolded its tiny fingers and found a birth control pill.

   This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering... 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"

   The amount of fun I have on a night out is directly proportional to the number of items I cannot locate the next day.

   On my tombstone I want it to say: "I didn't forward the text message to 15 friends..."

   If you're able to update your status saying you're drunk, you're clearly not drunk enough. I shouldn't be able to understand you.

   Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don't even know it.

   Why didn't they just kill Gilligan on Gilligan's Island? If he hadn't screwed crap up, they could've been off that damn island years before. And what's with Skipper? You don't get that fat eating coconuts. That fat ba$tard is hiding something.

   The part of "no" that I don't understand is the part where I don't get what I want.

   Dear yellow traffic light, Challenge accepted. Sincerely, a driver running late.

   If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, "In Jesus name, amen,"

   There are places in the heart you can only find when the right person comes along.

   (Glass breaks) Woman: I think someones breaking in! Man: I'll take care of this! (grabs a toilet brush) Woman: A toilet brush? What are you going to do scrub him to death? Man: Would you want to be touched with this?

   At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.

   I wish that some people wouldn't talk to me in the morning until I've had my coffee. (I don't drink coffee).

   Facebook Privacy Settings Tip: See where it says, "Automatically share my personal information with identity thieves, sex offenders and all my psycho exes? Yeah, you're gonna wanna unclick THAT box.

   Time to get out of bed. The world is not going to dominate itself.

   "Just going on the computer to check one thing!" - Me, three hours ago.