Funny Status Messages

   ..... Of course I talk to myself ... heck .... Sometimes I need expert advice!!!

   If y'all hate the Republican candidates so much ...... why don't you find some better candidates?

   When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment .... NOW I consider it a mini vacation.

   Asking how my day at work went is like asking how a drive-by shooting went....I'm just happy I got out alive!

   That moment when you realize you might have made a mistake letting your 5 year old watch The Walking Dead....

   I'm not a morning person, heck I'm not an afternoon person either, I pretty much start fuctioning at about 6 pm.

   Oh hi Becky, who refused to kiss me during Spin The Bottle in 6th grade & now wants to play Candy Crush, looks like the tables have turned.

   I don't know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.

   People who laugh so hard at their own jokes that they can't even finish the joke because they're laughing so hard are my favorite kind of people.

   Fact: The universe is made up of protons, neutrons, electrons and morons.

   I could be wrong but I think Kanye West is on the verge of having a Britney 2007 meltdown.

   Women plan to look so hot at their wedding that their "something blue" is everyone's balls.

   My therapist told me "Time heals all wounds", so I stabbed him. Now we wait....

   People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.

   Does anyone else clean their phone on their boob or is that just me?

   Kinky is using a feather....Freaky is using the whole chicken.

   If I ever go missing, I would like my photo put on beer cans instead of milk cartons. This way my friends will know to look for me.

   An UPS truck is like the adult version of an ice cream truck.

   I don't understand why people pay big money for a colon cleaning when they can go to their nearest Taco Bell and order a bean burrito for a buck!

   The doctor said, I need to drink more whiskey....also I am now calling myself "The Doctor" now!