Funny Status Messages

   I came out as a lesbian to my best friend a few years ago, this weekend I'm taking her last name because I am marrying her sister. Screw my homophobic ex "BFF".

   Has anyone else noticed that the sign "&" looks like a man dragging his butt across the floor?

   Don't forget to pay your taxes this year so the Government can give it to people that don't work as hard as you.

   All these 9 year olds with their iPhones, iPads, and laptops....when I was 9, I felt cool with new markers.

   I think a man with a helmet defending his country should make more money than a man with a helmet defending a football.

   Dear women, he does not want a watch for his Birthday. He wants you to dress like a hooker, handcuff him to a chair and have the kind of sex with him that would definitely upset churchgoing people.

   After watching TV with my kids, I think I have figured out what's wrong with this generation....their cartoons suck.

   I feel a spree coming on. It's either shopping or killing, I haven't decided yet.

   There should be one day out of the year where people working retail can say what they want without getting into trouble.

   The only exercise I have done this month is running out of money.

   Babies: Their plan is to start crying at 3 am for no reason.

   Dogs: I had sex with your pillow all night.

   I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

   Balloons are so weird...."Happy Birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath."

   Shout out to all the older siblings....who were used as the tester kids and now watch their younger siblings get away with stuff that they would have been killed for.

   What type of tea do babies drink? Tit tea.

   Some people you know were dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.

   If pigs could vote they'd always vote for the guy who brings the food, even though he's the same one who will slaughter and eat them later.

   I took four of my liberal friends to see the movie 13 Hours. And just to get the point across, I left them there.

   The last four letters in "American" are "I can." The last four letters in "Republican" are "I can." The last four letters in "Democrats" are "rats."