Funny Status Messages

   Dating someone who didn't even finish high school is so risky, what if they leave you like they left school?

   Pro tip for the ladies: If you're taking a mirror selfie, look at the mirror not your camera...

   I'll be betting on The Pope for the Pope vs. Trump showdown.

   The term "Redneck" is so offensive....they're called "Nascar Americans".

   I'm at the "What can I make with green beans and cake mix?" stage of needing groceries.

   My parents thought they were naming me something unique, but really they just signed me up for a life with a misspelled, mispronounced, never gonna find it on a Coke bottle name.

   If I'm a sarcastic a$$hole when I talk to you it's either because I really like you and feel comfortable teasing you, or I really hate you and don't care if you know it. Good luck figuring out which one....

   We are the granddaughters of the witches you weren't able to burn.

   May everything you want this weekend be within the reach of the couch.

   I've had relationships that didn't last as long as The Undertakers entrance

   You know you've reached adulthood when you pause sex when the dryer buzzes...

   This treadmill has no room for my milkshake or my pizza .. Lame design

   I'm beginning to understand why Syria, Raqqa 5-Star Al-Aladin VIP vacation packages are being steeply discounted....

   Why is it....Biggie and Tupac get gunned down but nobody will shoot Kanye West.

   Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was just actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.

   F*ck the zombie apocalypse, it's never going to happen. Worry about the f*cktard apocalypse, it's already upon us.

   Dear GoFundMe, please allow us to raise money to pay someone to punch Kanye square in the face.

   Turns out an At Home DNA test is not a good baby shower gift.

   Women with large breasts are generally more successful than men with large breasts.

   Have you ever gotten so bored at work that you just started actually doing your job?