Funny Status Messages

   Guys: I'm not a tomboy, but I'm not a girly girl either. Like I want to get my nails done but also I wanna get muddy and set stuff on fire. Wanna date me?

   I got drunk last night and decided to do my own taxes. I'm getting back 4 million dollars this year!!!

   Roses are red. I picked you a daisy. Will you still love me when you realize I'm crazy?

   Attacking the rich is not envy, it is self defence. The hoarding of wealth is the cause of poverty. The rich aren't just indifferent to poverty: they create it and maintain it. This is America in 2016.

   Do you ever just look at your dog & get jealous because all they do is sleep, play, and eat....their biggest worry is when they are eating next.

   Bernie Sanders found my Mom's iPhone and keeps Facetiming me saying he's going to pay for my college.

   I hate when people say "I'm 24 and still eat mac n cheese"....Homie, there is no age limit to enjoy some quality elbow macaroni and fake powder cheese.

   Subway: Satisfy your Valentine with a footlong.

   Valentines Day: Remember, there is no problem a few dollars & the strip club can't solve.

   Loves the Alerts app on my phone, it says: "OVER BUDGET....This month you spent $1,049.00 on Alcohol & Bars. This exceeds your budget of $20.00 by $1,029.00".

   A sign outside a Frat house: You honk we drink!!!

   Valentines Day: Condoms are also awesome picnic supplies.

   Don't you just want to write on some people's Facebook wall, "You peaked in high school."

   The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.

   Quick, someone take one for the team and fall in love with me. Happy Valentine's Day.

   Liking your own status on Facebook is like high-fiving yourself in public.

   Facebook needs to make a "Slap you in the face with a dictionary" button.

   The love between a man and a woman acts like a mousetrap to lure a man towards a woman enticing him like a pure cheese, but is secretly tied with a trap.

   I have a midget friend. He's epileptic and makes pizzas for a living. I call him "Little Seizures." I'm going to h3ll.

   My wife doesn't like the way I eat, drink, sniff, dress, breath, laugh or cook, but according to this Valentines card she gave me I am perfect in every way.