Funny Status Messages

   Fact: Historical pictures will look better with light sabers.

   I wonder if the receptionist at the sperm bank has ever used this phrase, "Thanks for coming"....

   Remember when you had an appointment and got to leave during the middle of school, it was so triumphant like "Haha bye you f*ckers, I'm going to get my teeth cleaned and then eat McDonalds. Where you at?!?!"...

   I'd rather have Samuel L. Jackson narrate my life. No offense, Morgan Freeman...my life just requires multiple uses of the word motherf*cker.

   List of things I am good at: 1. Petting dogs.....ya ummmm petting dogs.....

   Firtst World Problems in 2016: I want to start my meal, but can't find the perfect TV show to watch while I eat.

   Google: You must be truly desperate to come to me for help.

   I can't wait to get to the part of my life where wearing suspenders with sweat pants is completely ok.

   Ever accidently throw something away and then later realize you actually needed it? Haha. I did this with my life.

   Moms: I used to be cool and do cool things. Now I just argue with a smaller version of myself about how to use the toilet.

   My husband told me to pick up some oil, now I know how guys feel in the tampon aisle.

   I don't understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I'm always ready for bed.

   A curling iron is not effective at turning regular fries into curly fries. I know that now.

   Everyone criticizes the Salem Witch Trials, but we haven’t had a witch attack in over 200 years.

   Siri, how many calories does digging your own grave burn?

   Causing a scene runs in my family.

   Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.

   Diarrhea is a trait in my family. It runs in our genes.

   I don't want an Amazon Echo because I don't need another thing in my house that talks back to me...

   Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.