Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   When someone doesn't like the taste of peanut butter I question their loyalty to the United States.

   Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they're not looking!

   There's a first time for everything. Except déjà vu.

   Writing "wash me" on someone's car is kind of funny, but writing "I'm watching you right now" is hysterical

   FAXT: you are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark

   "I wanted to watch football on NBC but this figure skating they're showing is cool too". --said no one ever

   Question: if you infected all the undead with tetanus, wouldn't lock jaw solve the pesky zombie apocalypse problem?

   My life coach just told me to fake an injury

   if you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn't be telling you this"

   You haven't experienced awkward until you tickle someone who isn't ticklish

   Silence is golden. Unless you have a kid. Then, silence is just suspicious.

   Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it's time and getting to know each one of us personally.

   If anyone catches me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them until it's equally awkward for both of us.

   The girl at CVS asked if I wanted to "hang out and wait for my prescription" I told her I don't even know you and besides I have a girlfriend

   Someone should sit Lindsay Lohan down and force her to watch that episode of Saved by the Bell where Jessie was addicted to caffeine pills.

   At the end of my dinner the waiter asks "wanna box" so I got up and knocked him out. I bet he won't ask that question again.

   Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can't figure out how to escape with all the windows down?

   Remember when there was a time limit on the drinking fountain as a kid? They need that at the Redbox!

   My sixth sense is upon entering someone's home for the first time, I immediately know where the pillow forts should be built.

   People will stop making small talk with you if you simply wear clown makeup whenever you're out in public.