mtq Funny Status Messages

   Girl in new relationship: I HAVE THE GREATEST MAN EVER! HE'S WONDERFUL! A week later...after she catches him cheating: THAT NO GOOD &*(^! I'LL NEVER TALK TO HIM AGAIN! Next day: I HAVE THE GREATEST MAN EVER! HE'S WONDERFUL!

   Facebook is dumb They have the Poke thing wrong. Guys should have the Poke button, and girls should have a Spread button.

   Can someone tell me where I can return these 12 Drummers Drumming without a receipt? I'm not trying to form an Allman Brothers tribute band for Chrissake.

   So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

   When someone you're on the phone with says, "Uh huh" for no apparent reason...you know there's another person there that just whispered to the person you're talking to, "Is it that assh*le?"

   ‎2012 has arrived on schedule. Please wait until the New Year has come to a complete STOP before unfastening your seatbelts....

   I'm hoping for major changes in 2012. Like getting ice out of the freezer and not having one piece always falling on the floor.

   2012 has arrived on schedule. Please wait until the New Year has come to a complete STOP before unfastening your seatbelts....

   Facebook needs to change up the Poke thing. They need to add a "Mad Passionate Pelvic Thrust" button.

   Being a modest guy, when I checked into my hotel, I said to the lady at the desk, "I hope the p0rn channel in my room is disabled." She goes, "Nooooo, it's regular people-p0rn, you sick ba$tard.”

   Dogs are like Facebook; fun and interactive. Cats are like MySpace; boring, climb on the furniture and $hit in a box.

   "It is better to have been on penici!!in, than to have never loved at all."

   Marriage is like a deck of cards: In the beginning all you need are two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

   I love American Idol. Except for the judges, the singers, and Ryan Seacrest.

   Three weeks into 2012. Now don't some of you feel silly for actually believing things were going to get better simply because we pinned a new calendar on the wall?

   Attention Club Lonely... Keep posting those deep, philosophical, pseudo, life enriching quotes on your profiles. It tells the opposite sex what a day at the amusement park you are.

   Forget Vi@gra. They need to invent a pill that'll make a girl like me for four hours.

   Starting tomorrow, every place I visit, I'm going to speak exclusively in double negatives. I'd do it today, but I'm not going nowhere.

   My blonde GF kept yelling out 43 days! 43 days! I finally asked her why she kept saying that. She said she finished a puzzle that said 4-5 Years on the box.

   Something's been eating away at me for a while. (It's nothing that a simple drive out of Miami won't cure.)