flinnie Funny Status Messages

   When I was little, I used to sing in the shower. Now, I make life decisions in there

   If I were a Miss USA contestant, my go-to answer in the Q&A segment would be "Who cares? Did you see my rack and smile combo?"

   I have an irrational fear of parking by a dumpster at night because I think a gorilla will jump out of it.

   Its impossible to say the word "ironic" without some idiot saying "don't ya think"...Thanks a lot Alanis Morissette

   There's not many things more awkward than telling a guy with a rebel flag t-shirt you're from Gettysburg, Pa

   85% of women go through life with the wrong bra size. Meanwhile every guy over 17 can tell you the exact measurement of their d!ck. Who's smarter now ladies?

   Its up to you if you want to sneak your IPod into a meeting. Just don't do an air drum solo. It gives you away.

   I am still disappointed that I was not nominated for a BET award.

   Kanye West leaned back in his chair, stroking his Persian cat. His scheme to become the biggest douche in the world was coming to fruition.

   After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

   There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

   Shia LaBeouf has every vowel in his name, which might be the most interesting thing about him.

   I joke a lot, but in reality nothing can stop me from reaching my goals, except for shiny distractions or moderate discomfort.

   if you're the type of neighbor that likes to scream and yell till 3am, then I'll be the type of neighbor to mow at 6am!

   the next person that tells me they have a 3 day weekend is getting a firework shoved up their poop shoot!

   People are so predictable..I bet you're even reading this status right now.

   Canadian bacon is just ham wrapped in a lie

   I like to relive my single days when my wife gets home late by eating dinner standing over the sink.

   Florida, you just want attention don't you? Casey Anthony, Tim Tebow, the election of 2000. Its always about you, isn't it?

   The new ending to Harry Potter is lame. He says Abra Cadabra and Steve Miller reaches out and grabs Voldemort.